


A last goodbye

by Akimfu



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Disabled Character, Eventual Smut, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Physical Disability, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, Smut, at some point sasha and leonid will have sex in the woods because I said so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:00:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21810463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akimfu/pseuds/Akimfu
Summary: AU where Aleksandr Akimov and Leonid Toptunov survived through extreme radiation and served in a labour camp.Angst + Smut: the perfect combination.
Relationships: Aleksandr Akimov/Leonid Toptunov
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23





	A last goodbye

Aprils and Mays were the worst months. Siberia might have taken him his ability to resist the cold: too shaken to do any activities than lie on his bed and think of the past, the winter frost still penetrated in his bones. But Leonid hated going outside and even when the Spring came, giving a perfect opportunity to leave the house and enjoy the warm weather: he could only think of his days in Hospital Number 6, the pain that he had to endure, both physically and mentally; how he spent most of his time separated from the rest of the world, how he never said a last goodbye to Sasha. It didn't matter if it was snowing, raining or if the streets of Tallinn were filled with sunshine: Leonid Toptunov always spent his days inside his parents' house.

"Lenya, lunch is ready.", his mother called from the kitchen. Leonid hesitated, wanting to continue to scribble in his sketchbook.

Igor Kirschenbaum was the one who knew how to draw. It was his true calling in a way. Once he did a portrayal of him, drawing him better than Leonid actually looked. When he returned from Siberia after being granted amnesty, Kirschenbaum had sent a letter, saying he had moved to Israel and was now married, and that he didn't "think that you deserved what happened to you. Any of you. Not even Dyatlov, even though he was a pain in the ass". Leonid wanted to send a letter in response, but he didn't want to bother Kirschenbaum in his newfound life with shadows of his past.

The only one shadow from the past that had visited Leonid after he had returned from the gulag was his old friend Boris Stolyarchuk. Enthusiastic as ever, he even brought his fianceé whom he met in Kiev. Stolyarchuk told him everything that had happened in his absence. Leonid knew about the common knowledge things, but he didn't know about the fate of the friends he had lost. They talked as if they were young men working in Pripyat, trying to get laid and get through their easy lives. When his fianceé was in the toilet, Stolyarchuk's face grew somber and said:

"They told us to not have kids. Because of the radiation.", he paused, "We still avoid discussing it."

Leonid didn't answer, because he didn't know what to say. He wanted to console Stolyarchuk. Everyone was a victim in the disaster, but Leonid had difficulty not to blame himself. And he knew Stolyarchuk also blamed himself a bit. He was in the control room on that fateful night after all. It was that Boris Stolyarchuk knew how to hide it very well, his mask slightly slipping from time to time.

"There's nothing I can do.", Stolyarchuk commented, "Both of us can't."

Leonid wondered if he was talking to him and his fiancee or him and Leonid. Either way, he was right. Leonid couldn't do anything but to wait for his death, feeling like a useless chunk of meat, like his right arm became after the disaster.

It had to be amputated, the nerve and muscular damage too deep to be fixed with skin grafts and bone marrow transplants. Leonid's body had scars and his right shoulder and torso looked tanner than the rest of his body. Maybe because he was now disabled and young, his sentence was cut short, but those limited years in the freezing Siberia had impacted Leonid's health as much (if not more) as the radiation. Leonid felt like an invalid, dependent on his mother for almost anything, training his left hand to do everything. It was a victory when he could eat his soup by himself without doing a mess.

Leonid spent his days helping his mother with the garden or in the kitchen, but most of the time he spent his time reading, drawing (or attempting to. His "art" looked worse than a child's) and writing in his diary. And although he was getting tired of writing, complaining about being bored or frustrated, the sense of routine calmed his nerves. The routine abrupted when a letter arrived.

"It's for you.", his mother gave the yellowish envelope and stayed under the doorway as Leonid looked at the text made of black ink until he realized that the words "Aleksandr" and "Akimov" referred to his Aleksandr Akimov, his mentor at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant.

"Can I read this alone, this time?"

"Sure.", said his mother, still a bit worried. But she closed the door behind her. She knew that the most important letter had finally arrived.

Opening the envelope with his fingers, Leonid felt that everything felt wrong. The paper was messy and had a weird smell. His handwriting had changed as if he had written for the first time in years and in the meanwhile, he had forgotten how to. It was probably what happened. Fear stroke Leonid's heart. He suddenly didn't want to read.

Sasha Akimov was the closest to an older brother that he had. He taught him so many things. He was wise and hardworking and Leonid admired him a lot. He even wondered that he might be in love with him somehow, but that was impossible. The relationship that the two men had between each other was akin to a father-son one than a boyfriend-girlfriend one. (Although his girlfriend (keyword is girlfriend, not girlfriends) experience wasn't the best, so Leonid had nothing to compare.) But still to this day, Leonid couldn't stop rethinking about that time Sasha hugged him in celebration when Leonid passed on the final test to become a senior operator, the most comfortable hug Leonid has ever had and he couldn't stop blushing, those strange feelings returning, making his skin shiver in both excitement and fear, because it was wrong to feel this good just with a hug. Yes, he loved Aleksandr Akimov and cared for him and what happened to him broke his heart.

_"Dear Leonid,_

_I'm writing this letter, so you can finally have closure. If you wish to tear it and throw it away, I'm expecting that, so you can rest assured that I'm not asking anything of you, like I did many times in that fateful night. I'm writing to you to apologize and to perhaps seek forgiveness for my sins. I did my time in Siberia as you did. If allowed, I could've served your sentence, so you could be free. All the blame is mine and never yours. I didn't do everything in my power to stop the disaster, the radiation that is killing thousands of people every year, the sacrifice and pain that powered a corruption-powered machine._

_I haven't followed the message of my favourite books. Why read if I didn't learn anything? Back in the day, conflicts were solved through war. Atrocities were made and I read and thought it would never happen again. I thought corrupted leaders were the source of humankind's bad-doings, but in reality, men like me are the actual root of evil. Weak men who do nothing but to follow. I thought the Soviet Union had defeated the evilest man in registered history, but evil isn't concentrated in one being. Evil doesn't even exist. What I did was compliance. I followed flawed orders and I made you follow them too. I was going to make you do more cruel things. I almost made us kill ourselves._

_They told me it would be useless to open the valves. The core was gone, all the water in the entire Union wouldn't anything to stop the radiation from spreading. It could've done things worst. They used boron and sand to extinguish the fire and built a sheltering made of reinforced concrete to limit the spreading of radioactive material. Science never stops to surprise me._

_I wish you all the happiness in the world. If you chose to forgive me, I’ll accept your gratitude. If you chose to hate me, I’ll accept your hatred. I need to send this letter, maybe to vent, but foremost I’ll respect your feelings. I'll respect your silence._

_This might be our last goodbye._

_Truly yours,_

_Aleksandr Akimov"_

Leonid couldn’t stop crying. He had to cover his mouth with his hands in order for his mother to not hear him through the door. He lied in his bed, rereading the letter over and over, absorbing all its information, learning all the lines. It wasn’t enough for Leonid. He couldn’t comprehend. He wanted more. He needed answers. He looked at the envelope and the return address. He cleared his tears and looked at his calênder. He missed Sasha’s birthday. After years on that room, Leonid left and went to his mother.

“Mom, I need you to buy me a train ticket.”

**Author's Note:**

> The idea of Leonid becoming disabled came from the fanfic "Who He Is" by GreenMeridian (spoilers, I guess. Sorry).
> 
> I think it's a fascinating idea, sorry for stealing. :P


End file.
